Antonio and Albert Take Down Dissection!

I had a dream last night that today in Biology we were going to dissect a frog.


I don't really know what I was thinking. I know perfectly well that we will only dissect a frog in Biology after the core tests (OMG remind me I have to tell you something about those!) in like, May.

So, yeah. Cool story bro. But now that I'm on the subject of dissection...*insert evil laugh*....

Today I shall dissect the age old epic classic of the Illiad of Homer. HAHAHAHAH Just kidding. I haven't read the Illiad. I only speak Roman and Latin, not Ancient Greek. I apologize that I'm such an underachiever. It's embarrassing.

I was actually truly gonna talk about something to do with dissection, but I'm kind of drawing a blank. So I'll try to smoothly start talking about something completely unrelated in a way that makes you think it was on purpose and completely relevant. Sound like a plan?

--smooth connection writing--

So, as I was saying, it's 2014! The grand New Year! Most people tend to write New Year's Resolutions about what they are going to do differently and better this year. So, I decided to write a list of New Year's Resolutions for you! Or, uh, dissect? a list of resolutions for you? Nah, we'll stick with the whole no-dissection thing.

Don't worry though, these aren't the resolutions of a normal person (I'm going to exercise every day. I'm going to eat healthy. I'm going to practice my instrument every day and be on time to things. I'm going to do my homework the day I get it. Pshaa! As if that's going to happen). While a few are similar, these are the grandiose (VOCAB WORD!) resolutions of a person I am going to call, for our purposes, Antonio.

Image Courtesy of Asdf Movie Wikia

This will be Antonio. He is a beast. And a potato. And from asdf, which if you haven't seen, you need to go watch right now.

Antonio is awesome, and he has rather high expectations of himself for the coming year.

So without further ado, here is the list of Antonio's Fabutastic New Year's Resolutions!

ANTONIO'S FABUTASTIC NEW YEAR'S RESOLUTIONS!

1) Every night before I go to bed I will climb onto the roof of our house and yell, "GOODNIGHT PEOPLE!" to my neighborhood, because I'm just that nice of a person. Now everyone will feel happy knowing that I will always be there to a) shatter their daydreams, or b) shatter their real dreams by waking them up mercilessly.

2) I will eat healthy--only kale, papayas and ice cream. All year. What, ice cream's not healthy? Tell that to the person who told me that dairy contains protein and that ice cream is dairy! BAM! You just got powned.

3) Every day at lunch I will play my didgeridoo in the cafeteria on the stage-- providing lovely background music for my lunch-going peers and developing my air support so when I yell at someone in a crowd, they won't suddenly go deaf and not be able to hear me even though I've yelled their names four hundred times, making me actually get up and walk over to them. I mean seriously, that's just rude.

4) I will make sure that every day is sunny and beautiful by hiking to the top of a mountain each morning and arguing with the wind gods.

5) Whenever there is music playing, I will drop everything and go all disco on everyone, especially when I'm around my about-to-be-mortified-and-pretending-they-don't-know-me friends and family. Anddd SPRINKLER. AND SPRINKLER. AND SPRINKLER. And DROOOWWWNNN DOWN DOWN DOWN DOWN!

6) I will buy a pet pig and name him Albert. Albert and I will be besties.

7) I will fully convince myself that the alarm takes priority over sleep by either attaching thumbtacks to the snooze button, rigging the snooze button to play blasting Shakira whenever I touch it (in Spanish, of course. Then I could wake up and learn at the same time!), have it electrocute me, or rig it to catch on fire after two minutes, which would put off the smoke alarm, which I couldn't hit the snooze button on. See? I'm thinkin'. Or I could just put the entire alarm in the next room. Course then, I probably wouldn't be able to hear it....Wait a minute.... Be right back....

8) By the end of the year I will have watched every Barbie (but not the new ones with no Kelly Sheridan and weird animation) and Disney (especially the princess ones) movie in existence. Don't judge. Remember, I am an awesome potato and I know where you live.

9) I will balance a pencil on my nose, because I've never been able to do that and it drives me crazy. Plus it makes you look really skilled and cool.

So there you go. Now you know all of Antonio's fabutastic resolutions. He's keeping every one of them. I'm watching him, just like Karen in the Babysitter's Little Sister series.

And ahem, psh, yes, these are so Antonio's resolutions and not mine. Um, duh. I wouldn't...watch Barbie movies...I'm too old for that...psh....Well it's been fun BYE!